Come Shame or Shine

Stand on me see if I flinch
Stab me see if I fall
Any self-worth left in me
I have ‘on my own terms’ set free
It’s of no use to me anymore
If I’m honest it was wasted
on me before
Dont think that you’ve won
This is nowhere near over
I’m far from being done
Sun rises
Day breaks
Seeking redemption
A desire for perfection
Intelligent fists throb to the beat
The day pulsates..
For the scars no longer visible
The scars that run too deep
I await the day of reckoning
deserved wrath I know I’ll reap
Sex is like Water you drink then you’re done
quenching a thirst then renders it numb
Locked in a cage no one jails me
I’ve chosen to stay and not run
ln perfect rhythm the beat goes on
beats me..
beats you..
beats all of us..
Voices in my  head recall the life
I could have led – should have led
Systematic delusion is cause – most insane
Events can occur that I’m unable to explain
Yet in the cold light of day are really quite simple –
straight forward to convey
Sadness weighs heavy
head begins to wilt
Aches that pang – Fuel emotion
Senses are awoken once again
An overpowering sense of guilt
Which way is it I turn
Away from the lessons that I’ll never learn
Darkness starts to fall
– Reality bites –
An habitual response a routine call
Built inevitably to break
addicts are weak
obsessively reminded
By the bitter pill I now take


‘As I lay him down to sleep I pray the lord his soul to keep. If he should die before he wake I pray the lord his sole to take. Embrace my beloved son o’ lord, let him rest for all eternity in your kingdom that is heaven. Born of innocence betrayed by insanity. Protect him from evil, shelter him from harm. The little boy I had yearned for taken from me far to soon, so vulnerable, so dependant, so young. My heart has been ripped from my chest, replaced with overwhelming emptiness yet filled with intense pain and despair. The ever-present voice in my head screams the same word over and over again… Why? Why? Any distraction found only through outbursts of unforgiving anger and rage. The circle of life has come to a halt, misplaced faith wasted on the expectant natural course of events. Shame and guilt not nearly penance enough for what I had allowed to happen.

I held you in my arms now I hold you forever in my heart.
Lives will never be the same again, but for you my beautiful boy with your cheeky smile and infectious laugh, I will endeavour to find some comfort and solace so as you may rest in peace.
Pain so raw, too much to bear. The loss of a future looms heavy, the light in my life shines no more.
Forever blessed that you came into my life,  for the time that we shared together and the memories I will always treasure.
I relish the fear for the revenge I must seek  from a well overdue act of retribution. I will continue to keep your memory alive and make your presence known. Your body may lie still but your spirit lives on. Close your eyes little one let us dream about the day, not to long from now when we can again share our lives.

‘Hush little baby don’t you cry
Daddy’s going to pay till the day I die’